Real Relationship

By Jolaine on a John de Ruiter meeting in Canada, January 2012–

Recently I had the opportunity to be at a meeting with John de Ruiter.  There was the most amazing talk about relationship that had to be shared.  The talk came from the question of a woman physician and Mother of two.  I was touched by her sincerity and concern for her relationship with her husband, Bruno.

With sweetness and some hesitation, Tali asks her question.  “Sometimes I find myself in a position of nagging Bruno about coming here to talk to you.  My sense is that sometimes he’s not quite in line with the process.  I don’t want to be judgmental of him, but I do find we’re losing direction.  I know he doesn’t like to be told, but I sometimes think we’re losing direction and it’s really important.”

After connecting from a deep stillness, John responds, “It is something that you know he is to do?  If you’re clear about that, don’t use your person or your self to administer your clarity.  Give what you are knowing to him.  What you are knowing the truth of.  Give it with a heart of inexperience.  If you include your experienced self, your experienced person, then you’ll be making rightness personal.  You’ll be judgmental and nagging.  You’ll be telling him what to do for personal reasons even though based on what you know the truth of.

What you know the truth of needs to come through cleanly.  It has in it no expectations, no force, no embellishments.  It isn’t at all personal.”

Coming from Personal Wants or Needs can Feel like Nagging

John stresses that if we come from personal wants or needs or emotionalism in communicating with a partner, it can feel like nagging or pushing.  When we come from what we know deeper within, from the love we have for a partner, from the foundation that was the basis of our first coming together, communication can be easy and effective.  John calls this  deeper foundation or space formed by two people, ‘the bond.’

John continues,  “Then giving to him what you are knowing for him,  what you are knowing of him, is you giving your heart to him.  You won’t be speaking from within the relationship.  You’ll be speaking to him from within the bond.  It takes the two of you to where the two of you started.

It is a meeting of two hearts through the presentation of what you are thinking.  The sharing of thinking is then sharing in each other.  If you don’t make the thinking personal then each of you are able to speak about what you’re thinking.  Your thinking doesn’t need to be the same.  Your thinking can be different, while what you are in is the same.

There isn’t value in someone being right.  There is value in clarity winning.  When you speak with the use of emotion, when you use emotion in saying it, then you are not saying something.  You are forcing the other.  You are coercing the other into being something or into doing something.  There is no bond in that.  If you use will or emotion in giving what you’re thinking or in giving what you’re knowing, it is your agenda that you’re doing, not what you’re thinking and what you’re knowing.

Don’t be Right and Don’t be Wrong.  Be Together

If what you speak to each other is free of a personal agenda, then you’ll be giving everything just simply as it is.  What is clear in it is the bond that you’re in.  Then talking about what you’re thinking, or saying to each other what you’re knowing, is real communion.  As soon as you are being right, you are not actually together and there is no communion.  Don’t be right and don’t be wrong.  Be together.

When the bond matters most, you will be doing what each other knows.  Being together means more than having something.  When the relationship is based on the bond the way of the relationship is the way of the bond.  When you are knowing something that is true for the other, then you’ll be giving that as it is, from within the bond, in being together.

You will be telling each other what to do.  That’s loving each other.  From within the bond, being together in the bond, you need to be able to always say what you feel, what you think and what you know, with it always being safe with each other to do so.  From within the bond, when you receive what the other is feeling or thinking or knowing, you change.  You don’t remain the same.

When you speak something; when, from within the bond you simply speak, it means that you are changing.  Because in speaking, you know within that you will be receiving into your heart the result.  When that is how you speak to each other, when that is what speaking to each other means, your conversation is communion.  In it you’re growing, you are changing, you are evolving.  Your meeting, your love, is new.”

John de Ruiter travels internationally holding events where people can ask any and all questions about how to live life from what is most real, from inner knowing.  You can enjoy a meeting with John in many cities around the world.  Click here to visit the schedule page for more details. 

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